I've come to the conclusion in the past 48 hours that maybe I'm not doing as well as I thought I was. Life has been such a roller coaster over the past 3-4 months and I really thought I was handling things well but maybe not.
I know I've been distracted. Quiet at times. Manic at others. I can't focus my thoughts. I feel like I'm walking around in a cloud....have you ever had that detached "medicine head" feeling after taking a particularly stout cold medicine? Yeah, it's about like that.
And I don't know why.
Sometimes I think it's a 'digestion' issue. There's been a lot of stuff to 'digest' this year, both good and bad. My mother in law passing. Jeff repenting. Mom's cancer. The genetic cancer issues that may be in my future. And Mara's. That's just a lot of stuff to work through in one's mind.
Most of the time, I can put on a brave, happy face and fool people. But there are some people I just don't have the energy to try to fool. Jeff. My friend "J". The kids. I don't have the energy or the wherewithal to try and fool them. They know me too well. And while they may not be able to put their collective finger on what is wrong, they know there's something different.
I've thrown myself into a frantic busyness that keeps my mind occupied. As long as I can keep busy, it's okay. Cutting the grass. Weeding the garden. Cleaning the floors. Planting seeds. Spreading mulch. Trimming hedges. Pruning the fruit trees and berry canes. Organizing. Cleaning the bathroom. But at some point I have to stop. And therein lies the weirdness. The awkward quiet times when I can't pretend that everything is just fine.
The really truly strange thing: I'm not afraid. I'm not angry. I'm not sad. I'm not particularly worried. I think this is verging on numbness. Maybe this is a buffer to protect myself from the next bombardment? Maybe this is a normal step in dealing with circumstances? You know, there's denial, anger, grief, acceptance.
Maybe numbness/detachment is one of those steps?
Maybe that detachment is necessary at times to allow the body, mind, soul to cope with circumstances.
Maybe it's okay to not be okay. Okay?
7 comments:
Yep, it's perfectly ok to not be ok. Especially dealing with all you've dealt with recently. Just remember
Adonai supports all who fall
and lifts up all who are bent over.
The eyes of all are looking to You;
You give them their food at the right time.
You open Your hand
and satisfy the desire of every living thing.
Adonai is righteous in all His ways,
full of grace in all He does.
Adonai is close to all who call on Him,
to all who sincerely call on Him.
(Ps 145:14-18
I've had times in the past few years when people have asked, "So you're doing okay, right?" and I've answered, "No. Not even close to okay." The look I'd get! Clearly the wrong answer ... (and clearly, it was time to find a new church ...)
It's definitely, definitely, definitely okay not be okay. In fact, I think you stand a better chance of getting through all of this if you recognize that you're not okay, instead of pretending that you are.
I think the experts say that dealing with just ONE of the things you're dealing with, over the course of a year, will wreak havoc with your mental health. When you can use their "Stressful Events" list as a checklist for your Christmas newsletter, you've got plenty of reasons to be not okay.
As I said in a recent email to a friend, sometimes "one day at a time" is too long of a chunk. Concentrate on getting through one hour at a time, and if that's too hard (oh, I've been there), just focus on breathing and moving. As long as you take the next breath and the next step, you're working your way through it. And you will BE okay ... even if you're not now.
That numbness is emotional shock, and it's perfectly normal and ok. It's the mind's defense mechanism against overwhelming data that might cause a breakdown. Themind lets things in a little at a time so you can cope with it gradually instead of falling apart completely.
I can't pretend to have any insight on your innermost being, but the first thing that came to my mind when I read this was...an attack by the spirit of apathy. Let me explain...the last thing in the world that Satan wants is a husband and wife in spiritual agreement. With the spiritual re-birth in your husband, that is a very dangerous thing to the devil. I heard a teaching once, that said a husband and wife don't just have double the power against the devil...they have TEN times the power, when they are in agreement. Our marriage counselor once told us, "the devil can't have you...you've already given yourself to Christ. But, he will sure as heck oppress you and try to create havoc in your marriage in order to get your children, if they haven't made the decision, yet." Is there a possibility that you are being spiritually attacked, because the devil is scared spitless of the impact you and your husband would have together? Usually, if I am dealing with something I can't put my finger on...I quickly check the idea that it's being done to me on purpose. Just a thought. Either way...I am praying peace and a relief from these feelings you are having! In the name of JESUS!!
Thanks for all the support, gals. In some ways, I feel better just having said what I said...That I feel "bleh". Maybe I just needed to give myself permission to feel bad?
Hi Andrea
It IS ok not to be ok, I have had time in my life were that is what happens and needs to in order to get though the next min, hour and day.
Thanks for having the courage to share with us, and while I have no answers, I will put you in my prayers.
I have found that taking the problem apart a piece at a time helps me. How do you eat an elephant? One bite at a time.
For me, it works to write out what is concerning me. Personal cash flow? Food storage? Inflation? Personal health? Family member problems? Whatever.
I then categorize by what I can directly affect/fix or what I can influence/minimize negative impact.
If I weigh too much, I can directly fix it by eating less, working out, etc.
If it is about inflation, I can't directly do a thing about fixing inflation, but I can minimize its impact by buying food at todays prices and PMs for "savings".
Things like your cancer issue, while you can't directly change your genetics, you can do things to lessen the probability of getting it, like diet changes, etc. You can get check ups once a year, blood tests, etc., so you can catch it early if it does hit.
If you look at whatever is causing you anxiety, and break it down into smaller bites, you can kick butt and take names for any issue!
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